Unit 4

Problem-Solving and Negotiation

Goals:

The students will…

· Understand the values of compromise and problem-solving.

· Discuss when to use negotiation, based on the different conflict strategies and on whether a given goal or value can be compromised.

· Know the importance of mediation in helping other people with their problems.

· Decide that it’s not “uncool” to get a mediator.

· Realize that when in a conflict, a possible de-escalator is to get a mediator to help.

· Know when to get a mediator.

· Brainstorm who the possible mediators could be in specific situations (teachers, parents, friends, etc).

· Learn the steps of negotiation and practice them in role-play.

· Be able to talk out a problem and work through issues.

The volunteers will…

Understand the steps of negotiation and help the students improve their problem-solving abilities.
Get a better sense of what students prioritize in their lives, and what they think is worth compromising and not worth compromising in a conflict.

Materials:

Handout: 5 strategies, steps of negotiation, rules of negotiation, sample role-play.
Small squares for the 16 squares game (enough for each student to have 16).
Laminated cards (the laminator is in Dwight Hall).

Methods:

I. Review of Conflict Strategies (5 minutes)

II. Compromise or Problem-Solve? 16 Squares Game (10 minutes)

III. How to Problem-Solve: The Steps of Negotiation: Sample Role-Play (15 minutes)

IV. Practicing the Steps of Negotiation: Role-Plays, Soap Opera, or Comet Activity

(20 minutes)

V. Closing Activity: How Negotiation Relates to Mediation; Wallet Cards (5 minutes)

Preparation:

Familiarize yourself with negotiation procedure.
Obtain materials.

I. Review of Conflict Strategies

(estimated time: 5 minutes)

Volunteer Leading this activity _________________________________________

Estimated time for your class to complete this activity _______________________

Activity Goals:

Begin discussing when to use negotiation
Learn that negotiation should be used in most situations when both parties feel strongly about the goal and the relationship is important.

If possible, have the handout (along with materials from the next game) on the students’ desks when they come into the room.

Review the five conflict strategies and when to use each one.

You may want to have students read each strategy aloud from the handout and discuss when to use them.
Ask if the students remember the role-plays about Matt and Madhi with the basketball problem, and Tevan and Lashonda with the VCR problem.

Ask the students, Which conflict strategy is best? Why?

Problem-solving is best because both people get what they want.

Why is forcing not so good?

This is not always a de-escalator!

Think about the 5 strategies of conflict again. If someone accidentally steps on your shoelace, is it worth the effort of problem-solving?

No – you should just smooth or withdraw.

II. Compromise or Problem Solve? 16 Squares Game

(estimated time: 10 minutes)

Volunteer Leading this activity _________________________________________

Estimated time for your class to complete this activity _______________________

Activity Goals:

Identify goals and values that are personally important.
Determine which of these goals or values are so valuable they cannot be compromised.
Discuss why problem-solving is better than forcing or violence when really important goals are involved.
Discuss the application of these values to conflict: understand how the importance of a particular goal or value influences the choice of an approach or style in a given conflict.

Pass out 16 squares to each student if they are not on the desks already.

Squares are just blank pieces of paper. You can make squares by folding and ripping an 8½x11 piece of paper four times.

To play the game:

They should think of the things that are most important to them in their lives – not only material things but also things like love, their family, their health, etc. These can be things they have or things they would like to have. What they come up with will stay secret.
They should write 16 of the most important things to them on the squares – one on each square.
After the students have had a few minutes to think on their own, ask for some examples of important things that people are willing to share. Write them on the board. Be sure things like family, friends, honesty, happiness, career, health, doing well in school, sports, ethnic pride, religion, etc. gets up there.
Give the students a few more minutes to finish up.
Once everyone has finished writing, students must choose four of these values to give up. Ask, “Which four would you give up if you had to give up four?” Collect these four values from the students, but promise not to look at them.
Now students must choose four more of these values to give up if they had to. Collect these four.
Students must choose four more of these values to give up. Collect these four.
Students should be left with their four most important values, or the four things that are most important to them in their lives.

Some students will find it impossible to give up so many values, and that’s fine. They may be left with five or six or even ten values that they are unwilling to give up.

Discuss:

What is the significance of the four remaining values?

They are the most important values in the students’ lives.

But what did taking away some values show you?

Some values can be compromised if necessary.

Could you compromise those four remaining values?

Not always. Some goals are too valuable to compromise on.

Say, if one of those values is family and if someone makes a very nasty comment about your brother, should you compromise to get a solution?
If not compromise, what should you do? Beat the other person up over the comment?

Violence is never the best solution.

Why not?

Your goal isn’t really pain, it’s to make the other person feel sorry. If you beat them up, they’re not going to feel sorry, they’re going to feel scared, and although they might never say that again to your face, you didn’t really get what you want. Making them see eye-to-eye with you is probably your best bet to get what you want.

So what should you do?

For those values (or goals) that you can’t compromise on, you should use problem solving to find a solution that gets you everything you want.

III. How to Problem-Solve: The Steps of Negotiation: Sample Role-Play

(estimated time: 15 minutes)

Volunteer Leading this activity _________________________________________

Estimated time for your class to complete this activity _______________________

Activity Goals:

Learn the five steps of negotiation.

Introduce the word negotiation.

Negotiation is when two people who want different things discuss a solution that makes them both happy.

The students may be familiar with negotiation over used cars… tell the students that people negotiate over other conflicts too.

Ask the students, When is negotiation used?

In problem-solving, when both the relationship and the goal are very important. In other words, when you’re in a conflict involving those goals or values that you can’t compromise on.

Have the class read the rules of negotiation out loud (see handout). Discuss:

Do these make sense?
Can anyone think of examples of conflicts in their lives when understanding these rules might have helped?

Write the steps of negotiation up on the board; have students follow along on their sheets:

When negotiating, you should say…

1. I want…

2. I feel…

3. My reasons are…

4. It seems to me that you’re saying that you…

5. To me, the problem is…

6. Three plans to solve the problem are…

Agree on a solution

Tell the students that in order to practice the steps of negotiation, you will do a sample role-play as a class.

Read the following scenario to the class:

You tell your friend about someone you want to go out with. It’s a secret and your friend knows it. But the next day several people are making comments about it – and even the person you want to go out with hears! You get your friend alone to talk about it. What do you do? Role play the exchange.

Ask for two volunteers to read the sample role-play aloud (see handout).
While these two volunteers read the dialog, the rest of the class should underline words the actors say that are steps of negotiation.

For example, if an actor says, “I want to be friends with Tasha,” the students should underline that sentence because it is the first step of negotiation.

When the actors finish, go over the role-play to find words that show the actors are following the steps of negotiation. Students can write the step of negotiation in the margins. Answers are marked in bold below:

step	“You”	“Friend”	step
1	Why did you tell everyone the secret I told you about wanting to go out with ______? I didn’t want you to do that!	I only told Tasha. I didn’t think it was a big deal to just tell one person. She must have told everyone else.
2 3	Well, I feel really upset that you told anyone at all something I specifically told you not to tell anyone. Now everyone around school knows.	I don’t think it’s my fault. I thought Tasha could keep a secret.
5	The point isn’t who told everyone else. The problem is, I’m really hurt because I thought I could trust you as a friend, and now I’m not sure.	I never wanted to hurt you or betray your trust. I guess I want Tasha to think I’m cool and I want to get in with her crowd, and she asked if I had any gossip to tell her.	1
4	It seems to me that you’re saying that you value your popularity with Tasha’s group more than the fact that we’ve been best friends for years.	You’re assuming that just because I want to be friends with Tasha, it means I don’t care about our friendship; I really do, I just wanted to meet new people this year as well.	1 1
	Well, I understand that, but you shouldn’t have to do that by spreading gossip about me and risking your friendship with me.	I think you’re being too sensitive about this; I wish you wouldn’t be so offended. I had no idea she’d tell anyone else. My intention was never to hurt you; I just wanted to be able to say something interesting to Tasha. I wish we could resolve this. I don’t want to lose my friendship with you. I feel really bad that I hurt your feelings because I never meant to.	1 1 2 3
6	Well, I guess I could let it slide, but how can I be sure I can trust you again? And now everyone at school knows about me.	It seems to me that you’re saying that I need to prove how trustworthy I am as a friend. I think I can do that if you can give me time. For now, I think the problem is that everyone knows. I could tell Tasha to stop telling anyone else about who you like, or tell her to tell everyone she told that it’s just a rumor she made up.	4 5 6
2	Yeah, you could do that, but I still feel hurt that you’d want to hang out with someone who can’t be trusted to keep a secret like that just because she’s really popular.	I think maybe you’re right. I think I’ll tell Tasha I’m upset that she can’t keep a secret…but what if she gets mad and tells people false rumors about me too?	6
6	I think another solution would be to just not say anything to her at all, and from now on just be careful of trusting her.	Well, I don’t want to lose her friendship, but I think I should say something about it to her. I think I’ll just tell her to stop telling people about you. I guess if she’s still really mean about it, she’s not worth having as a friend after all.	6
	How do I know you won’t do this again?	I promise I won’t…even if it means losing Tasha as a friend.	6
A G R E E	Okay, well, I guess that’s cool, as long as you never tell secrets about me again. And please tell everyone in the class that what Tasha’s saying isn’t true…	Well, I don’t want to accuse Tasha of being a liar to everyone, but I’ll at least say that I heard something different, and that Tasha misunderstood the story or something. And meanwhile, I heard that ________ might even like you back....	A G R E E

IV. Practicing the Steps of Negotiation: Role-Plays, Soap Opera, or Comet Activity

(estimated time: 20 minutes)

Volunteer Leading this activity _________________________________________

Estimated time for your class to complete this activity _______________________

Activity Goals:

Learn and practice the five steps of negotiation.
Connect negotiation to communication.
Connect negotiation to de-escalation – practice good listening, good body language, good tone of voice, not bringing in outside “baggage”.

Choose one or more of the following activities to do – but do at least one role-play, and have the role-play discussion. Make sure students avoid accusations and all escalators.

ROLE-PLAY

Read role-play scenarios aloud.
Have students fill in the blanks on the negotiation procedure on their handout. Half of the students should fill in the negotiation blanks from the point of view of “you,” that is, as the character from whose perspective the role-play is written. Half of the students should fill in the blanks as “the other student” or whoever the “you” is in conflict with.
When they’ve finished writing, call up two students – one “you” and one “other person” – to act out the role-play using negotiation procedure.

Remind everyone of role-play rules: no physical contact, use only de-escalators, etc.

Intersperse some of the discussion questions as you go through and learn more about negotiation skills.

Role-play scenarios:

You let a friend borrow your favorite CD. The next day, when the friend returns it, it is scratched and dirty and it skips when you try to play it. You believe that when a person borrows something, he or she is responsible for taking care of it. You have to spend 20 minutes polishing the CD, and it still doesn’t play right. Your friend laughs and calls you a “neat freak.” What do you do? Role play the exchange.
You have been out of school for almost two weeks because you had the flu. Your science teacher refuses to extend the deadline for your final project. Since you can’t finish the project in time, this means that you will receive a low grade in the class. You believe the teacher is being very unfair. You decide to try talking to the teacher again. Role play the exchange.
You’re playing basketball with some kids in the neighborhood when one of them says, “Your mom is fat.” What do you do? Role play the exchange.
One of your best friends doesn’t hang out with you much anymore. At lunch, he/she never sits with you. He/she never calls you back when you call, either. At recess, he/she always plays with people you two never used to like. You decide to confront the friend. Role play the exchange.

Discuss:

What’s another way to say “my reasons are”?

Say “because” or “I feel [really upset] that…”

What is the best way to fill in the “It seems to me that you’re saying that you” blank?

Be sensitive to the other person’s feelings – don’t let that answer turn the problem into a bigger fight – remember I-language…

What’s the best way to deal with the “To me, the problem is…” section?

Both sides should agree on what the problem they’re negotiating is.

Is the problem always solved after each person comes up with three solutions?

No – sometimes they need to keep coming up with more possible solutions to find one that they agree upon.

What else do these role-plays show you about negotiation?

Sometimes you can settle for a different solution than you might have originally expected.

What does negotiation have to do with communication?
What does negotiation have to do with the other de-escalators we talked about?

Good listening, good body language, good tone of voice, not bringing in outside “baggage,” not escalating a small conflict into a larger one, using good communication, looking at problems from other people’s points of view, etc.

Tell the students: for most of the rest of the year, we will be talking about different de-escalators like communication and looking at problems from other people’s points of view. We’ll always use negotiation along with these other de-escalators.

SOAP OPERA

Say: Who here has ever watched a soap opera? They are often full of really serious, dramatic conflicts. We’re going to make a soap opera as a class.
Have the class brainstorm possible soap opera conflicts, and write these on the board. Come up with about five – be quick.

Examples: one girl steals another girl’s boyfriend; one man poisons another man’s wife; one woman steals another woman’s baby…

Assign a few students to each conflict. In these small groups, students should come up with a dialogue that negotiates a solution to the conflict.
Have each group perform their solution. Be sure to be soap-opera-worthy dramatic!

Remember the rules of role-play: no physical contact, use only de-escalators, etc.

COMET ACTIVITY

Tell the class: “Scientists have suddenly discovered that a large comet is going to strike the earth. All life, if not the earth itself, will be destroyed. This class has been chosen to move from Earth to a new planet. The conditions on the new planet will be harsh and difficult. You will be starting life over, trying to develop a farming and technological society at the same time. Because of the limited room in the spaceship, your whole class – all together – can only bring as much stuff as will fit in a shoebox. Think carefully – you will never be able to return to Earth.

Be careful: usually one or two students will believe you – make sure not to scare anyone.

First, have each student come up with what he/she wants to bring. They can write this on the back of their handout.
Next, divide the students into small groups of 3 or 4 and have them negotiate a solution within their groups – decide on one shoebox-sized amount of stuff that they all agree the group should bring. Don’t forget to use proper negotiation procedure!!
Finally, have these groups come together as a class and negotiate with each other, so the class comes to a decision on what to bring.

V. Closing Activity: How Negotiation Relates to Mediation; Wallet Cards

(estimated time: 5 minutes)

Volunteer Leading this activity _________________________________________

Estimated time for your class to complete this activity _______________________

Activity Goals:

Understand “mediator” and “mediation”
Recognize possible mediators.
Recognize the value of mediation.
Discuss how negotiation fits into the scheme of conflict resolution.
Become negotiators!

Discussion: Mediation

Does it seem like sometimes, even knowing negotiation procedure, it is still hard to find a solution that both people like?

yes

In this case, you can also find a mediator to help solve the conflict.

Write “mediator” on the board.
Lots of times mediation (getting a mediator) can be the most peaceful way of solving a conflict. A mediator will go through the steps of negotiation with the people in a conflict and help them think of a solution that works for both of them. Mediators don’t come up with solutions, they just help the two people involved follow negotiation procedure.

Brainstorm possible mediators and write them on the board.

Parents, teachers, friends who know negotiation procedure ,etc…

Pass out laminated wallet cards. Students can keep these in their pockets or their wallets and look at them if they ever forget the steps of negotiation.

Note: these cards do not mean students are certified in negotiation.

As you pass out cards, ask the students what negotiation has to do with conflict-resolution?

What other parts of conflict-resolution did you use when you negotiated?

communication, good listening, good body language, good tone of voice, no baggage
So… negotiation uses everything we’ve learned so far, and everything we’ll use from now on.

Brainstorm: situations when negotiation could be used… in any situation?

BEFORE YOU GO:

· Tell the class when you will be visiting next.

· Discuss with the teacher how your group handled the students and ask for his or her critique.

· Make notes for yourself on how the lesson went.

MATERIALS INCLUDED HERE:

Handout for Review of Conflict Strategies, and How to Problem-Solve: The Steps of Negotiation: Sample Role-Play.

Handout should include the five strategies, steps of negotiation, rules of negotiation, and sample role-play (all included here).

Laminated cards for Closing Activity: How Negotiation Relates to Mediation; Wallet Cards

The laminator is in Dwight Hall.
A sheet of cards is provided here; make enough copies so each student gets one card and laminate.

MATERIALS NOT INCLUDED HERE:

Small squares for Compromise or Problem Solve? 16 Squares Game

Enough for each student to have 16.
Make these by ripping up paper.

The 5 Conflict Strategies

Conflict Strategy	Importance of GOAL	Importance of RELATIONSHIP	What To Do
WITHDRAW	not important	not important	Forget about the problem, and forget about the other person.
SMOOTH	not important	very important	Let the other person have what he or she wants.
COMPROMISE	somewhat important	somewhat important	Find a solution, but neither person gets everything that he or she wants.
FORCE	very important	not important	Don’t let the other person get what he or she wants… Be careful with this one! The other person might turn around and use it on you!
PROBLEM-SOLVE = NEGOTIATE	very important	very important	Together, both people think of a solution that they both want.

Rules for Good Negotiation

1. Realize that your interests (wants, needs, goals) differ.

2. Remember that there is nothing wrong with conflict. It is how conflict is managed that is important.

3. Face conflicts. You want to deal with them frequently in positive ways. Do not let small conflicts build up to a big one. Nip them in the bud!

4. Remember that the shadow of the future interaction with the other person lies over any one conflict.

5. Use the procedure for problem-solving negotiations. Maximize joint outcomes.

6. Never walk away with a total win. Make sure the other person is happy about the agreement and that the agreement is in both yours and his or her best interests.

7. If problem-solving negotiations fail, seek help from a mediator.

8. Be ready to mediate other people’s conflicts when they ask you to.

9. Be ready to suspend negotiations if the other person is trying to “win” while you are trying to solve the problem.

Negotiation Sample Role-Play

step	“You”	“Friend”	step
	Why did you tell everyone the secret I told you about wanting to go out with ______? I didn’t want you to do that!	I only told Tasha. I didn’t think it was a big deal to just tell one person. She must have told everyone else.
	Well, I feel really upset that you told anyone at all something I specifically told you not to tell anyone. Now everyone around school knows.	I don’t think it’s my fault. I thought Tasha could keep a secret.
	The point isn’t who told everyone else. The problem is, I’m really hurt because I thought I could trust you as a friend, and now I’m not sure.	I never wanted to hurt you or betray your trust. I guess I want Tasha to think I’m cool and I want to get in with her crowd, and she asked if I had any gossip to tell her.
	It seems to me that you’re saying that you value your popularity with Tasha’s group more than the fact that we’ve been best friends for years.	You’re assuming that just because I want to be friends with Tasha, it means I don’t care about our friendship; I really do, I just wanted to meet new people this year as well.
	Well, I understand that, but you shouldn’t have to do that by spreading gossip about me and risking your friendship with me.	I think you’re being too sensitive about this; I wish you wouldn’t be so offended. I had no idea she’d tell anyone else. My intention was never to hurt you; I just wanted to be able to say something interesting to Tasha. I wish we could resolve this. I don’t want to lose my friendship with you. I feel really bad that I hurt your feelings because I never meant to.
	Well, I guess I could let it slide, but how can I be sure I can trust you again? And now everyone at school knows about me.	It seems to me that you’re saying that I need to prove how trustworthy I am as a friend. I think I can do that if you can give me time. For now, I think the problem is that everyone knows. I could tell Tasha to stop telling anyone else about who you like, or tell her to tell everyone she told that it’s just a rumor she made up.
	Yeah, you could do that, but I still feel hurt that you’d want to hang out with someone who can’t be trusted to keep a secret like that just because she’s really popular.	I think maybe you’re right. I think I’ll tell Tasha I’m upset that she can’t keep a secret…but what if she gets mad and tells people false rumors about me too?
	I think another solution would be to just not say anything to her at all, and from now on just be careful of trusting her.	Well, I don’t want to lose her friendship, but I think I should say something about it to her. I think I’ll just tell her to stop telling people about you. I guess if she’s still really mean about it, she’s not worth having as a friend after all.
	How do I know you won’t do this again?	I promise I won’t…even if it means losing Tasha as a friend.
	Okay, well, I guess that’s cool, as long as you never tell secrets about me again. And please tell everyone in the class that what Tasha’s saying isn’t true…	Well, I don’t want to accuse Tasha of being a liar to everyone, but I’ll at least say that I heard something different, and that Tasha misunderstood the story or something. And meanwhile, I heard that ________ might even like you back....

Steps of Negotiation

1. I want _______________________________________________________.

2. I feel ________________________________________________________.

3. My reasons are ________________________________________________.

4. It seems to me that you’re saying that you___________________________

_____________________________________________________________.

5. To me, the problem is ___________________________________________.

6. Three plans to solve the problem are _______________________________

_______________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________.

1. I want _______________________________________________________.

2. I feel ________________________________________________________.

3. My reasons are ________________________________________________.

4. It seems to me that you’re saying that you___________________________

_______________________________________________________________.

5. To me, the problem is ___________________________________________.

6. Three plans to solve the problem are _______________________________

________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________.

1. I want _______________________________________________________.

2. I feel ________________________________________________________.

3. My reasons are ________________________________________________.

4. It seems to me that you’re saying that you___________________________

_____________________________________________________________.

5. To me, the problem is ___________________________________________.

6. Three plans to solve the problem are ________________________________

________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________.

1. I want _______________________________________________________.

2. I feel ________________________________________________________.

3. My reasons are ________________________________________________.

4. It seems to me that you’re saying that you___________________________

_______________________________________________________________.

5. To me, the problem is __________________________________________.

6. Three plans to solve the problem are _______________________________

_______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________.

III. How to Problem-Solve: The Steps of Negotiation: Sample Role-Play

IV. Practicing the Steps of Negotiation: Role-Plays, Soap Opera, or Comet Activity

ROLE-PLAY

COMET ACTIVITY

V. Closing Activity: How Negotiation Relates to Mediation; Wallet Cards

MATERIALS INCLUDED HERE:

Conflict Strategy

What To Do

Rules for Good Negotiation

Steps of Negotiation