Unit 5

De-escalation 1: Self-Esteem

Goals:

The students will…

• Find something to feel good about besides ability to fight.
• Learn what self-esteem is.
• Learn about the relationship between low self-esteem and conflicts.
• Learn that when someone is labeled, sometimes they start to believe it.
• Understand the Put Down/Push Up model.
• Learn what bullying is.
• Learn the consequences of bullying.
• Understand that bullying has to do with low self-esteem.
• Understand that bullying has to do with power, and conclude that moral power is better.
• Discuss how to maintain self-respect by not fighting.
• Come up with a mantra to deal with bullying.
• Accomplish the personal goal for your classroom for today:________________________ ________________________________________________________________________

The volunteers will…

• Understand self-esteem and the Put Down/Push Up Model.
• Think about how to maintain self-respect without fighting.

Materials:

• 8½ x 11 paper, ripped into quarters or eighths.
• Pencils or pens.
• Portable stereo and dance music.
• Bullying handout.
• Door-hanger materials (paper, markers, crayons, etc) if desired.

Methods:

I. Opener: Your Mantra Part I (5 minutes)

II. Building up Self-Esteem: Musical Freeze Game (10 minutes)

III. Put Down/Push Up Model: Self-Esteem Discussion (10 minutes)

IV. Bullying is Not Just Physical: How to Maintain Self-Respect (25 minutes)

[V. Optional Activity: Boosting Self-Esteem: Door-hanger Activity (15 minutes)]

VI. Closing Activity: Your Mantra Part II (5 minutes)

Preparation:

• Get materials ready.
• Understand the Put Down/Push Up Model.
• Understand “bully” as an action, not a type of person.

I. Opening Activity: Your Mantra Part I

(estimated time: 5 minutes)

Volunteer Leading this activity _________________________________________

Estimated time for your class to complete this activity _______________________

Activity Goals:

• Find something to feel good about besides ability to fight.

Hand out a slip of paper to each student; if possible, it is best to have the paper on their desks before class begins.

The students should:

· Write down one reason that they’re special on this piece of paper (one reason they’re cool, or one thing they’re especially proud of).

· Fold this paper and put it in their pockets when they are finished – no one else will ever see this paper.

Tell the class that they have just created a mantra.

• A mantra is a personal sentence or phrase that helps you live a happy life. That is, you can remind yourself of your mantra to help make good decisions.

Tell the class that you will come back to the idea of a mantra later.

II. Building up Self-Esteem: Musical Freeze Game

(estimated time: 10 minutes)

Volunteer Leading this activity _________________________________________

Estimated time for your class to complete this activity _______________________

Activity Goals:

• Find something to feel good about besides ability to fight.
• Practice focusing on other people’s good rather than bad qualities; practice push-ups rather than put-downs (see part III).

Have the class brainstorm (very briefly) “nice” or “cool” qualities or things that people can do. Write these on the board as a list.

Explain the game to the students and play.

• Get everyone out of their seats. If your class will not be able to handle this, then have them move around in their seats (when pairing up, give them instructions so they pair up with different people each time).
• Start playing music. Everyone should dance or move around the classroom while the music is playing.


• When the music stops, everyone must freeze (no movement, no noise). Everyone pairs up with the person next to them and says one nice thing about that person to that person.
• If they can’t think of anything, they should look at the list on the board for ideas.
• They should say things that really relate to the other person, not general terms like “nice,” “good,” or “cool.” For example, “Tamika always shares her pencils with everyone and that’s really nice of her.”
• Call on several people each round to say what the other person said about them.
• If the students are saying general and meaningless compliments, pause the game long enough to get concrete comments or talk about this during the discussion. Ask:
• Why were these compliments so general?
• You know more details about yourself.
• Does this make you the best judge of your own self?
• Yes.
• So what does that have to do with self-esteem?
• You shouldn’t care what others think about you – you should be the judge of you.)

The discussion of this game follows in the next activity.

III. Put Down/Push Up Model: Self-Esteem Discussion

(estimated time: 10 minutes)

Volunteer Leading this activity _________________________________________

Estimated time for your class to complete this activity _______________________

Activity Goals:

• Learn what self-respect is and conclude that self-respect is not just based on what others say about you, but on believing in yourself.
• Learn about the relationship between low self-esteem and conflicts.
• Learn that when someone is labeled, sometimes they start to believe it.
• Understand the put down/push up model.

Have a discussion about the Musical Freeze Game.

• How did it make you feel to give the compliment?
• How did it make you feel to get the compliment?
• Did anyone say something nice about you that you hadn’t thought of before?
• How would you feel if someone complimented you like this in real life?
• How would you feel if you complimented someone else like this in real life?

• What is the difference between someone else saying something nice about you and about saying it yourself?
• What does that have to do with conflict?
• If it hasn’t come up already, introduce the idea of self-esteem and ask the students for a definition.
• Self-esteem is how you feel about yourself. People with high self-esteem feel pretty good about themselves and are confident, but people with low self-esteem usually feel bad about themselves, and don’t have any confidence.
• People who say nice things about themselves – ie, people with high self-esteem – are less likely to get into conflicts. Since these people’s self-esteem is based on what they think and not what others think, they don’t need to get into fights to seem more powerful, or more cool.
• Where does self-esteem come from?
• From yourself! Self-esteem comes from giving yourself complements.
• Why would you give yourself compliments? In other words, what makes you feel good about yourself? Accomplishing difficult tasks? Being nice to others?
• Brainstorm some ways that people can feel good about themselves.
• For example, playing sports or doing community service.
• How can other people affect your self-esteem?
• When someone insults you, sometimes you start to believe it, and you start to insult yourself; you get low self-esteem.
• Likewise, receiving praise from others may give you high self-esteem.
• Why shouldn’t you just rely on praise from others?
• Contrast emotions that have to do with self-respect with emotions that have to do with anger.
• So people with enough self-esteem believe in themselves and don’t have to have a self-concept based on what others think. How is this reflected in their actions or their character?
• There are lots of good answers to this question. Among them are:
• They believe the mantra their pockets no matter what people shout out in the game.
• People with high self-esteem deal with conflicts better and feel less of a need to be a bully because they already have lots of reasons to feel good about themselves. à Introduce the Put Down/Push Up Model.

Put Down/Push Up Model

Draw two lines on the board, next to each other with one higher: ----- ____

When someone feels bad about themself, they have low self-esteem, so they are the lower line. If they want to feel equal with other people, they have two options:

• They can put other people down, so that they’re on the same level and they both feel bad: ____ ____
• Or, they can push themselves up, which has the same result of feeling equal, but now both people are “up”: ----- -----

Discussion questions:

• What are some examples of push-ups?
• Telling yourself that you’re the bigger one and not fighting; reminding yourself how smart you are; reminding yourself that you’re really good at sports; etc.
• This is a good time to bring up the mantra again: your mantra is your personal push-up. Use it to make yourself feel better when you feel you have been put down by someone, or when you are tempted to put someone else down just because you are feeling bad about yourself.
• Both putting-down and pushing-up have the same result. So is one better than the other?
• Yes. When people use put-downs, they may be equal, but now both people have low self-esteem. That means they are more likely to fight and to keep putting people down. When people use push-ups, they both feel good and they’re equal, and they’re less likely to get into fights. In fact, they are more likely to be successful in everything they do, from school to having good friendships.
• What method do people who bully choose?
• Put downs.

IV. Bullying Is Not Just Physical: How to Maintain Self-Respect

(estimated time: 25 minutes)

Volunteer Leading this activity _________________________________________

Estimated time for your class to complete this activity _______________________

Activity Goals:

• Learn what bullying is.
• Learn the consequences of bullying.
• Understand that bullying has to do with low self-esteem.
• Understand that bullying has to do with power, and conclude that moral power is better.
• Discuss how to be respected while not fighting.

NOTE: Try not to use the word “bully” as a noun, and if it comes up in discussion, instruct the students to do the same: We don’t want to give people labels, especially negative ones. We are just discussing the action of bullying – “to bully.”

Activity

• Tell the students that you want to talk more about bullying.

• Hand out the bullying worksheet.
• Divide the class up into groups. Either:
• Have students work as a group on each scenario.
• Have students work independently on one scenario each, with several students assigned to the same scenario.
• Assign each group a scenario. The students should read the scenario, figure out which actions qualify as bullying, and write these actions up on the board.
• After all groups finish, ask each group to explain to the class what happened in their scenario, what actions they thought were bullying, and why they thought this. Make sure the following actions are discussed:
• Scenario 1
• teasing, name calling, insults
• several people were bullying, one person was the victim
• Scenario 2
• threatening, hitting, stealing, intimidation
• one person was bullying, several people were victims
• Scenario 3:
• exclusion, spreading rumors
• one person was bullying, one person was the victim

• Some key points to make during the presentations are:
• Bullying is not just physical.
• Bullying includes things like name calling and taunting; therefore even verbal abuse can have the same consequences as other forms of bullying.

Discussion

• What are the consequences of bullying?
• For the victim?
• Includes low self-confidence, fear, injury, or turning into a bully themselves.
• For the person bullying?
• Consequences of getting caught, losing friends, other people wanting revenge, low self-esteem, getting into bad patterns where it seems too hard or unsafe to stop bullying.
• Ask, So how could a person stop bullying then?
• Get help from a parent or teacher.
• How can a victim of bullying resist those consequences (like injury, low self-confidence, or starting to bully too)?
• Remembering that it is not their fault; remembering that bullying is an effort to put them down in order to feel equal or better.
• By pushing yourself up, you can keep from being pushed down to the bullying person’s level.
• As Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
• So why would a person bully? Why would someone want to make someone feel this way? Does bullying feel good?
• If someone has low self-esteem, they might try the put-down from the Put Down/Push Up Model. But the person bullying isn’t getting bigger, he or she is just making the other person smaller.
• Note: if students don’t come up with this on their own, try asking “How do you think bullying and self-esteem are related?”


• Now it probably does feel good – it makes a person feel bigger or more important, but in the long run, a person may realize how much they are hurting another person, and they might feel guilty for a long time, especially if something tragic happens, like a suicide or even an injury.
• People bully to be respected. In answer to this, follow up with two questions:
• Does putting other people down actually make you feel good about yourself?
• Students will probably admit that they feel guilty and bad about themselves, but sometimes go along with bullying to fit in with their group.
• Is it respect that a bullying person gets, or is it just fear?
• **How can you stay respected without bullying, or without fighting back to the person bullying?
• Note: this is an extremely important question and often causes great discussion, so allow it some time.
• Have self-respect; conclude that this is just as or more important than respect from others. (Remember Youth Crime Watchers – the respect that other people give to the leaders who don’t fight).
• Looking someone in the eye and telling them you’re not going to fight.
• Know that you are the bigger person morally.
• Give yourself complements and push yourself up.
• Use I-talk, like “I don’t need to prove myself to them. I am cool and I know this.”
• Use your mantra! Tell yourself whatever you’ve got on that piece of paper in your pocket to remind yourself that you don’t need to fight to be cool.
• Remind yourself what you would lose by fighting.
• You might get kicked off a sports team, might get expelled, might get hurt, etc.
• How do you give a good verbal comeback without getting into a physical or verbal fight? What are some specific things you could say?
• For example, be funny to lighten the mood, or make sure not to make accusations or insults.

[V. Optional Activity: Boosting Self-Esteem: Door-hanger]

(estimated time: 15 minutes)

Volunteer Leading this activity _________________________________________

Estimated time for your class to complete this activity _______________________

Activity Goals:

• Find something to be proud of other than fighting.

Only do this activity if you have plenty of extra time.

Have the students make a door-hanger (a piece of paper or cardboard cut like a hotel “Do Not Disturb” sign so it can hang on a door handle).

They should decorate the door-hanger with the letters of their name vertically, and something to be proud of that begins with each letter running horizontally.

• For example, for the name Ron:

Really great basketball player.

Often helps his parents with housework.

Never fights with his sister.

If the students need ideas, they can use some from the Musical Freeze brainstorm of “nice” or “cool” qualities.

VI. Closing Activity: Your Mantra Part II

(estimated time: 5 minutes)

Volunteer Leading this activity _________________________________________

Estimated time for your class to complete this activity _______________________

Activity Goals:

• Review the connection between high self-esteem and not fighting (de-escalation).

Ask the students:

• How can the piece of paper in your pocket help you?
• To keep from fighting; to push yourself up.

If there is extra time, the students can either make more private mantras, or come up with a class mantra to deal with bullying.

BEFORE YOU GO:

· Tell the class when you will be visiting next.

· Discuss with the teacher how your group handled the students and ask for his or her critique.

· Make notes for yourself on how the lesson went.

MATERIALS INCLUDED HERE:

• Bullying scenarios for Bullying is Not Just Physical: How to Maintain Self-Respect

MATERIALS NOT INCLUDED HERE:

• 8½ x 11 paper, ripped into quarters or eighths for Opening Activity: Your Mantra Part I.
• Pencils or pens for Opening Activity: Your Mantra Part I.
• Portable stereo and dance music for Building up Self-Esteem: Musical Freeze Game.
• Door-hanger materials (paper, markers, crayons, etc) if desired for Optional Activity: Boosting Self-Esteem: Door-hanger.

Scenario #1

Derek Teaker and his class were playing kickball during gym class. The gym teacher asked Terrence and Kanisha to pick teams. Even though Derek was good at sports, everyone thought it was funny to pick him last and make fun of him about it, so that’s what they usually did in gym class. As usual, today everyone got picked before Derek did. Kyle yelled in a sing-song voice, “Ha, ha! Derek got picked last again! Derek stinks at kickball!” Derek pretended to laugh so they would think he could take a joke, but he couldn’t wait for it to be over. But more kids joined in, chanting, “Derek Teaker, meeker and weaker!” Just like every gym class, Derek couldn’t wait to leave.

Scenario #2

Everyone used to tease Andre about his size, since he was bigger than most of the other kids at school. He got so sick of it that he started to get mean. The other kids thought that they were just being funny before, so they couldn’t see why Andre “couldn’t take the joke.” But now it was a big problem, since Andre was making each and every one of them bring him a dollar every day. He told them that if they didn’t bring in the money, he’d beat them up after school. One time someone tried to stand up to him, but Andre hit him in the stomach and the student was out of school for three days.

Scenario #3

Natasha was new at school. A few of the girls seemed friendly enough – they invited her over to their houses after school every once in awhile, and sometimes they called her on the phone. One time, though, Casey and Jessica did a three-way call, where Casey called Jessica with Natasha secretly on the other line, then Casey started talking about Natasha and Jessica said really mean things about her without knowing that Natasha was listening. Natasha cried all weekend. But the next week, it seemed like everything would be ok (even though everyone was whispering about it when she wasn’t around), since Maria invited her to a sleepover. But at the sleepover, everyone else was making inside jokes that they could all understand except for Natasha, then laughing more when Natasha didn’t get it. The other girls put together a dance, but they made Natasha be the one to take pictures so she couldn’t participate. Then they all decided to go see a movie, but they didn’t invite Natasha along. She felt really left out.

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